Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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