you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
