i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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