May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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