You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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