someone threw a dead crab at me
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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