when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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