I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
