No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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