I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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