He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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