First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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