you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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