Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She's the barista slut.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
