My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
