so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
