hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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