Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
