life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
