How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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