we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
