Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
