you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
