it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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