im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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