you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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