Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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