my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
