Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
