happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
