Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
