last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
