Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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