he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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