Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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