Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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