Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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