I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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