I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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