the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
