So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
