Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
