literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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