Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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