Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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