dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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