it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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