i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
