the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I love having hate sex.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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