please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
