When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
