i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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