Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
