do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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