And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
