all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
